Love. Hate. Lies. Truth. Heroes. Villains. Black. White.
That’s what the algorithm wants. That’s what the reader wants.
Make it easy. Make it digestible. Make it simple.
Yeah, okay.
Algorithm. Substack. TikTok. Instagram. Get ready to flinch and look away.
But reader, viewer, listener, will you?
I’m sure no more likes, loves, comments.
Don’t let my voice crush your toes.
Announced was gone before I arrived.
Put my childish things away when I grew up two weeks later.
Took notes on how to. Highlighted and annotated the margins.
Studied for the end of childhood start of growing up.
Told would never amount. Never arrive. An embarrassment for trying.
Grabbed in places I didn’t know could be grabbed.
Touched where the young shouldn’t be touched.
As I walked through the school hallway.
Oh, is that what that does?
Is that how boys and girls behave?
That’s normal?
Wish I learned sooner the language of love
Was really just the physicality of force.
But knew didn’t have it in me. Didn’t feel right.
Head went further into the shell. Scary out there.
Learned my worth and value didn’t exist.
Unless being “useful,” “helpful,” or “thank you for being a friend.”
Became more invisible, more quiet. More comfortable.
Silent support, smile and nod, affirm and agree. The boat didn’t rock.
Made it float and gave it wind.
Never asked but what about me?
Stayed in the part. A background player. In my lane. Static and flat.
Had my head smashed into metal, bones to jaws, arms to pavement.
Fire pokers to eyes, knives pulled, chased. Wasn’t even in grade six.
Told once. Oh, that’s funny. You got me. We know you have no worries.
Not a care in the world. You’re so solid. Thanks for that. We needed it.
Who knew one of the heroes would be the con?
The coach, later convicted felon.
Friend’s dad. Never touched a player.
Believed in the team, made me believe in me.
He did terrible, awful atrocities,
But he also helped me rediscover me.
He’s not getting out, all are safe now.
Still not the man I knew.
Uhoh he’s getting grayer, no clear hero or villain.
Am I banned yet?
Until they saw couldn’t. What did they do for me?
They crushed up meds in my drink and food.
Made me need it. Made the introduction to my blood.
Was 14.
Broke some glass and cut where it wouldn’t be seen.
As all the focus went to the others.
