Content warning: References to violence, abuse, sexual assault, grooming, family breakdown, trauma, suicide attempt, drug use, and strong language.
Reader discretion advised.
Hey. Play it. Yeah. Sí. Felt “My Mind’s Playing Tricks on Me” and thought it worth a try.
Grew up by houses, never learned to channel, see, or feel stability
Remember young there were four schools four years four metros four friends
Never knew when next the streets would change, the door would change, I’d leave
I was in the trenches, going deeper, coming to the surface with the bends bends bends
I kept breaking away, started over and over again, new places, new door
Same bullies, same baddies, same systems, just dressed differently with same authority
Casual Pacific, Sunny South, Midwest nice, Cultured Urban, Busy North, “fun” town bore
Showed me I had to be professional, distant. Real was to hurt, casualty, no casually
Heard the sirens each spot, the bangs, the crashes, the cries, the shots each place
Smelled the flames, saw the violence, took the knucks, heard the words, felt the rage
Hypervigilant senses taught when the streets turned, hide my face
Those I trusted, the authorities. Wish I knew they would target and exploit my age
Just a kid. Barely a boy. Really only wanted. Wanted Power Ranger toys.
I had too much to carry. My sister fell apart. She banged on doors, screamed through night.
Couldn't sleep. Was supposed to get the grades. Just wanted cartoons and Chips Ahoy.
I wanted to make friends, not war. Yet the older kids and adults wanted me to fight.
Ever since, I trust nothing at all. I don’t believe a word. I don’t trust my senses.
Learned to keep my mouth shut. The more I talk, the more people choose to flinch.
Ended up one place many years for far too long
Placed in a separate org, other side, for those like me
Who didn’t play, didn’t posture, didn't bullshit, or sing the typical song
Real people. Same shit, saw more of what I wasn't "meant to"
Again forced elsewhere. No choice. Called “alternative”
Started over but the same, like all mi vida, change was my norm
Here villains smiled, encouraged, clapped, cheered for me
All the while they plotted, preyed on, and held out for the perfect storm
Then they got me. They took me. Many different times. They had their laughs and fun
Even girls laughed. Wildcard. Freak. Riskiest. Troubled.
Didn’t show how I handled, how did near Oakland, Queens, or Compton
Let’s be real, that neighborhood is middle class. Labeled is bullshit
Just a kid. Barely a teen. Really only wanted. Wanted to be like the others.
Had too much to carry. My sister’s pieces were spread. My brother started to crack.
Couldn't wake. Didn’t care about grades. Turns out the worst was their stepmothers.
Wanted to be like the others. Wanted to laugh and joke, not attacked.
Since then, I don’t believe myself. I don’t know a word. I doubt my fog.
Sealed my mouth closed. Even though I was more like the day of the dog.
