Hawtorn… I won’t pretend to have the right words for something this heavy. The strength it takes to remember this, to name it, to speak it out loud, there’s nothing small about that.
I’m not going to comment on the details, because this is your story and your truth. But reading it did help me understand something: why you showed up the way you did for that student you wrote about, the one you tried so hard to support before he died. It makes sense now, in a way that hurts and also reveals how much heart you carry, even under all the fire. It wasn’t just about trying to save him. It was also about honoring the part of you, the boy in that shower, who never had anyone show up soon enough.
You’re not that trapped kid anymore, and it shows in every line. Sending care and a gentle hug.
Questions I still ask myself to this day. "I still don’t understand. Was I too much? Was I too little? Did I smother? Did I not smother? Where was I supposed to be on the ruler?" Sorry isn't the right thing to say here. Just hugs to you, friend.
Maybe he couldn’t face his shortcomings, that moment of hesitation, the guilt at seeing your kindness after everything. The way you write is always so intense, it pulls us from the start and shakes every belief and assumption we have till we are stripped bare, ready to understand what we couldn’t grasp before. My heart goes out to you, and again I wish you all the tenderness of the world for you deserve it💗
I'm doing well with this memory. I actually saw some old friends the other day, and only one was at the school then. He swore he wasn't there that day, but he isn't shocked it happened. I believe him.
The therapist moved on from this memory quickly since it wasn't so distressing.
Thanks for sharing this. It is very raw and personal. It takes courage to post something like this, and your inner conflict shows a lot of strength. Probably takes a toll every day to feel this kind of betrayal and abandonment even years later. As a counselor in training myself, I'm glad to hear you have been working with a therapist (read in your other comments).
Hawtorn… I won’t pretend to have the right words for something this heavy. The strength it takes to remember this, to name it, to speak it out loud, there’s nothing small about that.
I’m not going to comment on the details, because this is your story and your truth. But reading it did help me understand something: why you showed up the way you did for that student you wrote about, the one you tried so hard to support before he died. It makes sense now, in a way that hurts and also reveals how much heart you carry, even under all the fire. It wasn’t just about trying to save him. It was also about honoring the part of you, the boy in that shower, who never had anyone show up soon enough.
You’re not that trapped kid anymore, and it shows in every line. Sending care and a gentle hug.
Return to this to help me forgive.
Questions I still ask myself to this day. "I still don’t understand. Was I too much? Was I too little? Did I smother? Did I not smother? Where was I supposed to be on the ruler?" Sorry isn't the right thing to say here. Just hugs to you, friend.
Your scars run deep, never healing…just rescabbing with each recall…the wounds can’t leave scars…too raw…I feel for you immensely 😢🙏🏻
This is so god-fucking-damn powerful. Oh my god I felt your rage so close to me and holy fuck im lost for words. Goddamn
Thanks for reading.
This is more powerful, and more human than any editorial shit I've ever read
Thank you. Sorry for the late reply.
Maybe he couldn’t face his shortcomings, that moment of hesitation, the guilt at seeing your kindness after everything. The way you write is always so intense, it pulls us from the start and shakes every belief and assumption we have till we are stripped bare, ready to understand what we couldn’t grasp before. My heart goes out to you, and again I wish you all the tenderness of the world for you deserve it💗
Thank you for your kind words, sis.
I'm doing well with this memory. I actually saw some old friends the other day, and only one was at the school then. He swore he wasn't there that day, but he isn't shocked it happened. I believe him.
The therapist moved on from this memory quickly since it wasn't so distressing.
I’m glad to know this💗
Yeah.
💔😞
Thank you for your empathy. I'm doing well now. The trauma therapist moved on from it pretty quickly since it's not so distressing.
This had me stop in my tracks. I can feel the hurt oozing out of the page. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for letting me share. It doesn't hurt like it used to; it's more like the idea of it hurts, if that makes sense?
Thanks for sharing this. It is very raw and personal. It takes courage to post something like this, and your inner conflict shows a lot of strength. Probably takes a toll every day to feel this kind of betrayal and abandonment even years later. As a counselor in training myself, I'm glad to hear you have been working with a therapist (read in your other comments).
Thank you. It weighs some more days than others, but the therapy session on this was pretty simple. I guess I'd processed it enough already.
I'm glad you noticed the internal conflict as well; it's not active so much now as it was then.
I appreciate your depth, and if you noticed this much, you'll make a great counselor.
Sending the best of care and wishes your way! Hope you are healing while losing some of the hurt. ❤️
Getting there.
❤️
this is powerful. wishing you healing
Thank you. I wrote it in August, and then my trauma therapist brought it up yesterday. I figured now was the time to post it.
I appreciate you hanging and talking it all in.
i appreciate you too and i hope you appreciate yourself !
On good days I do.
I just want to hug you.
I want to hug you, too.
count me in friend
Hug.
((HUGS))