Writer’s Warning
This is no longer just an advisory. There are more triggers than warnings I can provide. There are graphic depictions of my assault and rape. It’s obscene, vile, and profane. If you are under 18, then my inner teacher says to get parent permission, or just read another piece I wrote.
If you’re over 18, sensitive, in a less than great place, or could be triggered, then please, stop reading now. I’ve written about many traumatic events, but I typically stay neutral. This time, I won’t. My feelings are not hurt if you don’t read it.
This is Part 2 of Locker Room and Fallout. I wrote this after I remembered more of those events, and I address individuals directly.
If you stick around, I’d be grateful for your comments. This is hard to write.
Blanket Revisited, Chapter 103, 2002, 2007, 2025
What happened did happen, but I remember something more.
One guy, who was not the biggest or strongest, got up and pushed my attacker off of me.
It was too late, but it was just in time. It could have been so much worse.
But what made you hesitate? Were you on the pot? Were you stuck in your clothes? Did you forget your conscience for a few moments as the bottle pierces my anus?
Were you enjoying the show as long as he just did it a little? Was “just the tip” alright? Did you draw the line when he wrote the abcs with the bottle in my shitter?
But you did have bad eyes. I should walk it back. You always had contacts and glasses and that takes a bit to see. I hope you rushed as fast as you could.
I want to believe you felt it in your gut and knew your size and your eyes and knew it could be you next and knew nobody else would stop it for you either and I hate giving you outs because you are the only one who did anything but if you got there sooner would I be the same degree of fucked up and would I have been as easy to groom would my life have been easier and would my book have been more pleasant for the reader and would I trust people more and flinch less and be less angry?
The Mountain Dew went in. It was awful. But it stopped at that before anything worse.
I don’t remember much after that.
This guy who stood up for me became a close friend junior and senior year.
After that we seemed really close, and he was my confidant. Or was I an emotional child in need of a man?
Then he disappeared.
I saw him at a party in 2007 or so and asked about a family member I knew was ill. He factually stated it was a long time ago and she was fine. He was not directly mean or cold, but he also set a clear and firm boundary, yet he was hanging out with cruel people who were awful. Why lower yourself to that?
I later saw he unfriended me on socials.
I still don’t understand. Was I too much? Was I too little? Did I smother? Did I not smother? Where was I supposed to be on the ruler? I tried to fluctuate but base center.
I added him back crying please please please remember me and remember you. It is humiliating me to remember.
A day later I stopped the add process.
If he didn’t want to be my friend, he earned that right the day he rescued me. I also didn’t need him anymore. I didn’t use him. But I did need him on the worst of my days, and after he vanished, I became his strength.
But I still shudder that he didn’t want to stay friends.
If you’re reading this and remember, please no you don’t owe me a thing. You already gave.
If you can give just one more time to put my mind, insecurity, shame and embarrassment to rest please let me know what I did to make you pull away.
Whatever it was,
I am sorry for it already.
Even though I know I shouldn’t be.
Unless I don’t really have your strength.
I didn’t then.
I KNOW I DO NOW.
But don’t miss the message:
I deeply thank you and never say a bad thing about you and never will.
Fallout Revisited, Fuck you Chapter, God Knows What Who Fucking Cares, 2002 to the rest of my life
Hey class. Welcome to the reunion. It’s me, your gladiatorial entertainment from that day. I hope you enjoyed the show. Only one person could step up, so I know the rest of you didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t. I get fight flight or freeze,
But
ONLY
ONE
PERSON
CHOSE
FIGHT
?!?!!??!?!?!
You allowed it. You are worse than my rapist. He was just a dumbass scared boy assaulting another scared boy who is now calling you the fuck out.
How is it ever acceptable to watch an asshole bend and break? Were you waiting to see if something came out? Were you conducting an experiment to see when my asshole would break?
Well, guess what I’m spiking the punch with at our party today?
Quiz, Chapter who Gives a Fuck, All of eternity
Well, guess what I’m spiking the punch with at our party today?
A. Blood
B. Tears
C. Sweat
D. Piss
E. Semen
F. Shit
G. My balls
H. My dick
I. The balls you never had
J. The dicks you claimed to have
K. The Bible you left at home that day
L. The game of Christianity you played
M. My loss of faith in Church
N. My loss of safety
O. My loss of hope
P. Becoming an easy target to groom
Q. Wondering if everyone really saw everything
R. Replaying again in my head like a rerun I can’t turn off
S. The way I couldn’t sit right
T. The fear that became stronger
U. Knowing I still had to see you later
V. All my hate
W. All the love I once held
X. All the hope I used to believe
Y. The hope I still held onto
Z. My life I almost took
AA. The trust that is still broken
BB. The shame that wasn’t mine
CC. Have some balls; where is your shame?
DD. And still I rise
EE. I still won’t stop
FF. I will keep going
GG. Fire another gladiator battle the fuck up
HH. I’m ready are you
II. I’m dropping my pants and bending over and covering my eyes
JJ. Do you see the glass Mountain Dew this time?
KK. I’m ready
LL. Come on
MM. I’m getting bored of waiting
NN. I knew it
OO. Step the fuck back
PP. Get out of my book
QQ. But first I determine how
RR. All the shit I take back now, no pun intended.
SS. Take my my forgiveness.
TT. I’m done asking. Fucking take it you lowlifes
UU. It’s my gift to you
VV. I hope you enjoyed the show and the party
WW. Have you answered the question yet?
XX. Do you need a hint?
YY. Sure fine let me help you
ZZ. You’re so slow to action and just watch
AAA. I bet you don’t know what answer to choose
BBB. Ready? Here it is
CCC. Just take the answer like you took the rest
DDD. I know you won’t put in the effort to try
EEE. Like you never did with me
FFF. The answer is
GGG. Drumroll please
HHH. Maestro cue it up
III. I need you take out your pens, not penises
JJJ. To write some notes
KKK. I bet you need paper too
LLL. You never came to school or life ready
MMM. Here take mine I was always ready
NNN. I had to be because you weren’t and made people suffer
OOO. So again
PPP. The answer
QQQ. I won’t drag it out
RRR. Much
SSS. Longer
TTT. The forgiveness is your gift you didn’t earn
UUU. The answer though is….
All the above, Who gives ten fucks chapter? All I will ever know until now
Give up? It’s all the above you cruel assfuckers. And I can say that! I earned the right.
My LGBTQIA+ friends, I am sorry to compare your strength to this type of cowardice. I really am. I think most of you will understand, but if you don’t, I apologize. I won’t hit delete.
So class take a bow and a
Fuck you very much.
See you in hell. Wait, no,
I’ll be in Heaven.
With all the other victims and victors.
I wonder what will happen once you get down there, though.
You never even said sorry in a school where they asked what Jesus Would Do?
Was it asked or assed? Did you guys miss a line?
You weaponized faith or the faith weaponized you. I don’t care the order.
Jesus Wept for me I know.
So, I leave this party now where I was never invited accepted wanted appreciated included,
bye.
Muddy Puddles Revisited, Chapter 104, 2002 to present
Teacher,
You made a horrible mistake. I believe it haunts you. I believe you lost sleep. I hope you do.
I also believe you may have written revisionist history so you can live with yourself.
I get it. This revealed I do the same.
I wanted to be you. So composed, eloquent, idolized, and fun. No time for drama, feelings, or anything that wasn’t “masculine.” And you were still so cool. Not a Boomer. Only a little older.
You later mentored me, I think reluctantly. Taught me how to lift weights, train, do sports, and nutrition.
Was that a bit? Were you on the hook? Did you really like me? Did I repulse you?
I can confidently say I no longer care. I don’t think of you often.
Thanks for the toxic masculinity. I needed it so much.
That last line was actually true. I don’t know if I would have survived without it.
Truly? You weren’t a dumb jock. But you wanted to be.
Why?
But really, why did I need you so much?
God.
This is more powerful, and more human than any editorial shit I've ever read
Return to this to help me forgive.