Content warning: References to violence, abuse, sexual assault, grooming, family breakdown, trauma, suicide attempt, drug use, and strong language.
Reader discretion advised.
Intro
Hey. Play it. Yeah. Sí. Felt “My Mind’s Playing Tricks on Me” and thought it worth a try.
Verse 1
Grew up by houses, never learned to channel, see, or feel stability Remember young there were four schools four years four metros four friend Never knew when next the streets would change, the door would change, I’d leave I was in the trenches, going deeper, coming to the surface with the bends bends bends
I kept breaking away, started over and over again, new places, new door Same bullies, same baddies, same systems, just dressed differently with same authority Casual Pacific, Sunny South, Midwest nice, Cultured Urban, Busy North, “fun” town bore Showed me I had to be professional, distant. Real was to hurt, casualty, no casually
Heard the sirens each spot, the bangs, the crashes, the cries, the shots each place Smelled the flames, saw the violence, took the knucks, heard the words, felt the rage Hypervigilant senses taught when the streets turned, hide my face Those I trusted, the authorities. Wish I knew they would target and exploit my age
Hook
Just a kid. Barely a boy. Really only wanted. Wanted Power Ranger toys. I had too much to carry. My sister fell apart. She banged on doors, screamed through night. Couldn't sleep. Was supposed to get the grades. Just wanted cartoons and Chips Ahoy. I wanted to make friends, not war. Yet the older kids and adults wanted me to fight. Ever since, I trust nothing at all. I don’t believe a word. I don’t trust my senses. Learned to keep my mouth shut. The more I talk, the more people choose to flinch
Verse 2
Ended up one place many years for far too long Placed in a separate org, other side, for those like me Who didn’t play, didn’t posture, didn't bullshit, or sing the typical song Real people. Same shit, saw more of what I wasn't "meant to"
Again forced elsewhere. No choice. Called “alternative” Started over but the same, like all mi vida, change was my norm Here villains smiled, encouraged, clapped, cheered for me All the while they plotted, preyed on, and held out for the perfect storm
Then they got me. They took me. Many different times. They had their laughs and fun Even girls laughed. Wildcard. Freak. Riskiest. Troubled Didn’t show how I handled, how did near Oakland, Queens, or Compton Let’s be real, that neighborhood is middle class. Labeled is bullshit
Hook
Just a kid. Barely a teen. Really only wanted. Wanted to be like the others. Had too much to carry. My sister’s pieces were spread. My brother started to crack. Couldn't wake. Didn’t care about grades. Turns out the worst was their stepmothers. Wanted to be like the others. Wanted to laugh and joke, not attacked. Since then, I don’t believe myself. I don’t know a word. I doubt my fog. Sealed my mouth closed. Even though I was more like the day of the dog.
Verse 3
Concussions, broken limbs, torn tendons, many stitches and staples, ER VIP, broken spine This was normal, right? rites of passage for every dude The pain, doubt, fog, violence fucking up my already fucked up mind Kept walking, no, running through fire, no stopping, cleaning ashes, get what’s due
Moment I could, I left, never to return, no plan, no reason, no desire, just exit, safety, no hope Went through quattro more cities and regions. Detach, grow, shift, and move on Moved six times in four months at one point as my world was venom and some dope Hated that I couldn’t outrun and wouldn’t do what I knew. If I went, there I was, the biggest con
Finally had enough. Wasn’t for me. When I had my chance I didn’t waste it. I took enough pills Fuck that cat. That fucking cry. I had to help the fucking needy cat. Fuck. That was my chance The ambulance came and took me away, the system would try to break down my walls and wills Laughed to myself. Same shit, new day. Same game, new predators. Same plan. Same dance
Hook
Older now. But barely a boy. really only wanted. Wanted to leave the void. Had too much to carry. Was in so many pieces, and the pieces were cracking, too. Couldn't stop, couldn't start. Even had straight As. Didn’t need academic steroids. I was nothing like anyone. I had no more jokes. There was no me. Only the prints of you.
Belief meant nothing. Words were shit. Promises fake. The Dream a lie. Only actions.
I had lockjaw. Except I told the truth, made people uncomfortable. It drew up factions.
Verse 4
Told me I was strong. I had courage. I had grit. I smirked. I had the it factor most don’t I laughed, said thanks, I know it can’t be easy to fake You got it. That can’t stop won’t stop. But they won’t see it. Or don’t. The way you walk and talk is someone who grew up too fast in a choice he didn’t make
Please shake my hand, I want the honor. Fuck, my eyes are sweating, look what you did Then let them. Drop it, show how they do where you’re from, be you Don’t know where I’m from or how to stop scanning the room, there’s always something hid Be you? That’s cute. I’m not me. I’m you and you and you and them, so tell me, be who?
Have addresses and cities but that answer’s merde. Not fit for this world, this lie, this cage Knew too much, too young, too innocent, now too guilty. Can’t undo it. Already done Then let’s break you out, do the work, address what’s you: earned rage N’ah. I’m set. Please go. I need to “sleep.” My eyes are wet. This shit’s embarrassing, not fun.
Hook
Was a man. Was still a boy. Really only wanted. Wanted to leave the world. I had too much to carry. I was scattered like ashes on a map. I waited, I didn’t sleep. I had a master’s degree. Yet my mind and address were a whirl. I was detached on autopilot, with swagger and problems. I took the rap. There were no beliefs, words, actions, or anything that mattered. Nothing at all. Yet they made me cry like a child and I couldn’t stop. The word courage started the spiral.
Verse 5
Learned I was neglected, abused, bullied, assaulted, raped, groomed. None my fault Taught to doubt, question my safety, memories, clarity, strength. Everything me Thought shit was deserved, wanted, caused, desired, or worse, just the result Still didn’t speak. Made them pause. What else to say? They like deniability
Ended up a teacher. No. Street educator. Trauma literacy expert. Weapons books and pens At the “risky” schools where mi español was an asset, my knowledge needed, my senses a gain Saw the breakdowns, fights, issues at home, pain, and more, just by watching a walk and grin Shit was heavy, but it was known. knew these streets, the weather, when it was going to rain
Got better and stronger. Trusted with toughest and roughest. Cool, bring on some more Still detached, professional, mouth shut, emotions rare, noticing everything, even when I’m good Married to someone who doesn’t want to hear, a daughter I fear will end up in my war Now I write, remember, and put out the red flags, see a trauma therapist in my neighborhood
Hook
Am a man. Was a man. Really only wanted. Wanted to protect you from me. I had too much to carry. I can’t make it make sense, even with hindsight 20/10. Sometimes I sleep. I’m a fifteen year vet. I worry those I know will really see. I am all in, fully attached, and man it’s shitty, but I’m grateful and cry like I didn’t then. Everything matters. Even the little parts. It’s all connected, all important, all real. Also a boy. Was a boy. Grew up too fast and never grew up. But I’m learning to heal.
Outro
Yeah, how it land? Oui? Cut it. Done. My mind isn’t playing tricks. Send it.
Anyone else?
It’s devastating how early you learned to survive instead of live. The way you carry that boy into your work now is powerful.