You truly seem vulnerable and always wanting to please, not disappoint anyone ever. Putting everyone’s wants and needs before yourself…this can become a path, from my experience, of self destruction when combined with PTSD…
There’s something devastatingly quiet in the way you tell this — as if the whole scene happened under a dim lamp rather than in a place full of people. What stays with me isn’t the breakup or the book or even the trembling. It’s the strange tenderness between two people who don’t quite know what to do with each other’s pain, but still refuse to look away.
You didn’t rescue her. You didn’t step into the old pattern. And yet—you stayed.
There’s a kind of honesty in that position, the one where your hands can’t move but your presence does.
What she said — “I knew I could ask you” — lands heavier than the whole story.
It’s the recognition you didn’t want, the one that presses right on the bruise.
And still, what I keep circling back to is this:
she saw your exhaustion, and instead of using it, she named it.
Softly. Without taking anything from you.
Maybe that’s why the moment feels so fragile.
Two people carrying different kinds of breakage, meeting for a breath in the doorway of a coffee shop.
It makes me wonder —
when someone sees you this clearly, without demanding or fixing, what part of you trembles the most?
Hawtorn, I wish I had the capacity to really sit with this and give it the response it deserves, but I don’t today. I’ll just say this: your writing pulled me right in, as always. The exhaustion, the hesitating, the quiet way you still showed up...
Maybe it’s because I got to be my whole self around em, you know? No fluff talk cause the lads are around, just me out straight. And they listen good too. Men think they’re man but can’t talk to men. Thats a remix to me that I’m trying to change.
I feel like I am not getting something here, this is a fragment of a bigger piece it seems that I am trying to extrapolate some wider narrative from. But I did enjoy your prose, there was ease in it despite the somewhat difficult subject matter. You did a kind thing for Mena, I am sure this will stay with her (though reading this I seemed to have gotten an impression she maybe wanted more of you - you don't call someone up, break down to them about someone dumping you etc just to borrow a book.)
I’m enjoying these. Keep writing. You always leave me hooked. 🤗. I’ve been through some similar situations and it sucks that people do things like this to good people. 💜💜
I told my wife I had 3 friends on Substack. She asked me how I knew they were friends. I told her I didn't know for sure, but my intuition has never been wrong. I can spot 'em as soon as they start talking ... or within the first paragraph for you ;)
I feel this. I too have burned through my capacity and somehow still show up. Resilience is a wonderful thing, but it can also be terrible. It keeps asking more of me. I have healthier boundaries around my relationships now. Maybe I need to examine my boundaries with resilience?? Thanks for making me think.
I am a coward. I know myself too well, when I’ve exhausted my cup I hide in my little turtle shell until it’s safe to venture out again. I know we have talked about this burning ourselves out, holding the fort, keeping others warm and fed. The emotional investment is too much sometimes but we still do what we can with the little spark that’s left.
I’m working on this in a part of my thesis the balance of kindness. I have not found that balance yet. I wrote about it a little. I do have a post somewhere about kindness and a broken heart
I can relate to that feeling of giving so much and still being careful who gets close I’ve been there with my own work and routines The way you held space for her reminded me how showing up consistently builds trust and clarity
You truly seem vulnerable and always wanting to please, not disappoint anyone ever. Putting everyone’s wants and needs before yourself…this can become a path, from my experience, of self destruction when combined with PTSD…
You write emotional distance in such an honest way. The hesitation, the tiredness, the instinct to protect yourself. This was a really strong piece.
There’s something devastatingly quiet in the way you tell this — as if the whole scene happened under a dim lamp rather than in a place full of people. What stays with me isn’t the breakup or the book or even the trembling. It’s the strange tenderness between two people who don’t quite know what to do with each other’s pain, but still refuse to look away.
You didn’t rescue her. You didn’t step into the old pattern. And yet—you stayed.
There’s a kind of honesty in that position, the one where your hands can’t move but your presence does.
What she said — “I knew I could ask you” — lands heavier than the whole story.
It’s the recognition you didn’t want, the one that presses right on the bruise.
And still, what I keep circling back to is this:
she saw your exhaustion, and instead of using it, she named it.
Softly. Without taking anything from you.
Maybe that’s why the moment feels so fragile.
Two people carrying different kinds of breakage, meeting for a breath in the doorway of a coffee shop.
It makes me wonder —
when someone sees you this clearly, without demanding or fixing, what part of you trembles the most?
Well, she did want something. Let's be real. The book, but she saw the bigger picture.
As for what trembles the most if/when it happens? My eyes, tears, nose, snot, throat, chest, heart, and soul. Sorry to make it weird.
Hawtorn, I wish I had the capacity to really sit with this and give it the response it deserves, but I don’t today. I’ll just say this: your writing pulled me right in, as always. The exhaustion, the hesitating, the quiet way you still showed up...
Thanks so much. Sent a DM.
Your work is excellent always
Thank you.
Wild cause i’d be the same too. Always been easier to get along with women. I understand you fully, right through this piece 🤞🏾
Why do you think it is for you?
Is it 10/10?
Maybe it’s because I got to be my whole self around em, you know? No fluff talk cause the lads are around, just me out straight. And they listen good too. Men think they’re man but can’t talk to men. Thats a remix to me that I’m trying to change.
Anyways, It’s a 10 from me 😎✍🏾
The honor is mine.
I have trust issues with dudes.
Can’t trust someone who don’t trust himself.
True.
There must be more to this story. Somewhere? Suspense is everything.
There are links at the top to “previously, on...” They don’t turn blue though. Just underlined.
I'm glad for the suspense compliment. Thank you.
I shall have a look to find the links. And you’re welcome:)
Efcharisto and parakalo.
I feel like I am not getting something here, this is a fragment of a bigger piece it seems that I am trying to extrapolate some wider narrative from. But I did enjoy your prose, there was ease in it despite the somewhat difficult subject matter. You did a kind thing for Mena, I am sure this will stay with her (though reading this I seemed to have gotten an impression she maybe wanted more of you - you don't call someone up, break down to them about someone dumping you etc just to borrow a book.)
There are links at the top to “previously, on...” They don’t turn blue though. Just underlined.
I never thought of it this way, but maybe so? I thought she was just in a spot and knew nobody else.
Thank you.
You have this way of expressing how you feel in such a way that I can feel it, too. I know why you get along better with women. ((HUGS))
Hugging back.
Why do I get along better with women?
Because we are attracted to vulnerability.
Also, women probably feel safe around you and you probably treat them with respect.
But... hmm...
Yes?
I'm not vulnerable unless I'm on here.
I am willing to bet it’s in your eyes and your gentle demeanor.
That feeling of having been hurt so often that the guard instinctively comes up and keeps people from getting too close comes through here.
Another excellent read. Thank you.
I just couldn't anymore, but I guess I had to?
Sigh.
Thanks so much.
Saved for later!
I'll be hanging out.
I’m reading homecoming now 🫶🏼
Yay! That pool scene, amIright?
You are indeed right 😍😍
Pool like billiards?
I’m enjoying these. Keep writing. You always leave me hooked. 🤗. I’ve been through some similar situations and it sucks that people do things like this to good people. 💜💜
I'm sorry that happened to you. I think I've got four or so more chapters. Thanks for reading.
I look forward to more
I will keep it up.
I told my wife I had 3 friends on Substack. She asked me how I knew they were friends. I told her I didn't know for sure, but my intuition has never been wrong. I can spot 'em as soon as they start talking ... or within the first paragraph for you ;)
That's so sweet. I hope you're not actually across the world tracking me.
"Previously on" let you spot em?
I feel this. I too have burned through my capacity and somehow still show up. Resilience is a wonderful thing, but it can also be terrible. It keeps asking more of me. I have healthier boundaries around my relationships now. Maybe I need to examine my boundaries with resilience?? Thanks for making me think.
Trying is sacred. If you are still trying you are succeeding. 👏👏👏
This is true. Most of the time.
You're welcome. I'm not saying I live this well. I was just at the end of my line then. I do try, but it's not always easy.
I am a coward. I know myself too well, when I’ve exhausted my cup I hide in my little turtle shell until it’s safe to venture out again. I know we have talked about this burning ourselves out, holding the fort, keeping others warm and fed. The emotional investment is too much sometimes but we still do what we can with the little spark that’s left.
Yes. It's true. The one person who needed something really almost was avoided since I was exploited by the other kind of people. It's frustrating.
I’m working on this in a part of my thesis the balance of kindness. I have not found that balance yet. I wrote about it a little. I do have a post somewhere about kindness and a broken heart
I'll need to see it.
I can relate to that feeling of giving so much and still being careful who gets close I’ve been there with my own work and routines The way you held space for her reminded me how showing up consistently builds trust and clarity
I wish I had acted sooner. I'm glad I showed up. Thank you for reading.
Always a pleasure to have a good read
Always a pleasure to be told it's a pleasure. Can I call you Data?
Thanks Hawtorn
Please call me Frank